What is it about ex boyfriends that makes them think they are somehow entitled to grope, sexually harass and proposition you even when you're married, they're married, and they have children!? I'm quite puzzled by this behavior.. a man from my past was passing through town on business, and decided to look me up. Fine with me, always good to chat with an old friend.. or so I thought. He spent the entire night going back and forth between telling me how 'hot' he thought I was, to asking me to come up to his hotel room. I thought we could talk about old times, have a laugh or two, you know, be friends. He quite obviously had something very different in mind. After an hour or so of this, I decided it was time to say goodnight. The strangest part? After all of this, he sends me pictures of his wife and kids.. the ones he couldn't be bothered to stay faithful to for even one night in a different city.

Today, I saw a young girl (maybe mid-twenties?) sitting on the side of the road with her dog. She was holding a sign that said "we need a miracle.. and some H20!" It was sweltering hot, and we decided to bring her and the dog some water, some dog food and some apples and an unopened box of cereal. I asked her if she had a place to sleep and what had gotten her into this situation, and would they be ok? She said she had been living off the streets for the past 3 months, and that she just now was living in a week-to-week motel and trying to get a job as a sign holder for a furniture store. As we were standing there, after we'd given her the food and water, a cell phone rang. It wasn't mine or my husband's, it was hers. She quickly reached into her bag and shut it off, and thanked us profusely for the food and water. As she did so, I noticed bruising on the inside of her arm, where the elbow bends. I thought to myself  that I shouldn't make any assumptions, and that at least maybe she and the dog would be able to eat, and went on my way..

This particular intersection that they were standing at is one that I pass frequently, as it is one of the main ways to get to our house. As we passed by later in the day, she and her sign and the dog were long gone, but there lay the unopened cereal box, the dog food, and the apples, on the side of the road.

There are some moments in life when everything converges and becomes clear. When you realize that what you thought you wanted and 'needed' isn't really important at all, and the things that are important have somehow gone by the wayside. I'm not sure how this happens, but it must be gradually, in the background, so that you don't become aware of it until something major happens and there is a shift. I like to see myself as very self-aware, but I guess this happens to everyone from time to time. Moments of clarity, they're called. Though that phrase seems to signify something so much more epic and theatrical than what I've actually experienced, which is more like waking up slowly to the sun on your face. No trumpets, no bells and whistles, just a calm assurance that, while it may not be comfortable or particularly easy at first, changes are necessary (and in some cases long overdue).

I've had to reevaluate the aspects of my life, from the people I let get close to the daily grind and financial side of things. I am not happy at my current job, and I haven't been for some time. For awhile, I was content to piss & moan about how unfair it was, and listen to friends do the same, until one of said friends made a way out for herself. Why I didn't, at first, think I could do the same, is beyond me, since this isn't the only job I've ever had (certainly not!), and I am more than qualified to do a number of other things besides this monotonous nonsense. It was clear it was time to find a new job. So, I did just that.. I haven't given official notice yet, but I will be doing so next week. The new job will be more challenging, but with greater responsibility comes a greater reward. I'm quite looking forward to it, actually.

With that change, came the  realization that there are other areas of my life that need attending to, and perhaps a bit of cleaning up. I used to call it 'gardening', which was a metaphor for removing the people from my life that didn't allow me to grow and flourish, or who were (again, metaphorically) strangling me. In the wisdom that inevitably comes with age, I have decided that there's a good bit of egotism in such a statement, implying that these people were beneath me somehow. I no longer see them this way, though I have come to terms with the reality that, just because you love someone, and just  because you've shared some nice memories, doesn't mean they are entitled to the rest of your life, as if there is some sort of contract written in blood, and by growing and changing I am somehow violating this pact. People may take it that way, and for that I am sorry, because everything isn't personal, and friendships aren't meant to last forever. I can appreciate what someone has brought to my life, and the memories made, without feeling as though every future slight is excused by the bond we once shared. Things change, people change. Or they don't, and sometimes that's the glitch. There are always going to be disagreements between people who are close, but it's when there is no disagreement and things still don't feel friendly that it's time to move on. I won't betray these people or their place in my heart by elaborating further, but I will say that, while I will never forget them or the lessons I've learned, it's time now to move on.